Sometimes the way the world fits together hurts a little. It doesn't seem fair, it doesn't make sense.
I have just come home from seeing 'Motherhood the Musical' and I loved it completely. I laughed so much my face still hurts, but I also had a few sneaky tears that I wiped away when the lights dropped.
I suspect I wasn't the only one.
The audience was predominantly older ladies, grandma vintage rather than yummy mummies, with a few handbag husbands thrown in. I felt a bit young, but that's sometimes nicer than feeling a bit old.
It made me want to come home and hug my children. It made me want to call my Mum and tell her how much I love her. It made me feel grateful for the wonderful gift I have been given, even if sometimes I want to lock myself in the bathroom and eat a block of chocolate (or drink a bottle of wine) and pretend I can't hear the chaos outside.
At the same time, as the joy still reflected on my face, as I settled down to my computer, I received a message from a dear friend and her husband who are faced with the shattering news that they must say goodbye to their 13 week old unborn baby.
Parenthood brings with it the highest highs and lowest lows. I doubt there is much that could compare with the pain they are experiencing right now. The loss of not only a child, but a grandchild, a niece or nephew, a sibling, a cousin. The loss of a dream, of potential.
The fierce pride we feel in our children, the unrelenting love, the desire to be what they need us to be, this is what keeps us going each day, what makes overlook the pain, the frustration and the exhaustion which comes with parenting.
Some people get the chance to stand in front of a roomful of people and quite literally sing about their highs and lows. They get to share stories we know all too well, crack jokes at our collective expense, and at the end of the night they get applause for their efforts from a room full of people.
Other people spend the night alone in the knowledge that next week they must say goodbye to their baby, and all the love in the world, all the friends and family who may be there for them, cannot possibly bring enough comfort. It can never be enough.
I don't know how to finish. I want to acknowledge both the happiness and the sadness I feel tonight.
I don't know how to reconcile these feelings.