Sunday, September 22, 2013

Why Exercise, Housework and Childcare Should be Banned

I have long been a crusader against exercise, believing it leads to all sorts of injury and humiliation.

Take my husband for example, in the course of exercise he has sustained a stress fracture during a gym class (which he finished before going to get an x-ray, typical male).

He's come off his bike, tearing his arms down to the bone, and had the worst case of blisters known to mankind after the City to Surf.


Clearly, sport and exercise are bad for you.

Now I am going to add housework to the list of things that must be stopped in the interest of personal safety.

Yesterday I broke my toe while putting the washing away. I walked into a door frame. Three toes went one way, two went the other.

I heard it snap. It was surprisingly loud.

It bloody hurts but you can't do anything except take prophylactic wine and sit down and watch ANTM.

I may also add childcare to my list of dangerous occupations.

To add insult to injury (literally), this morning the baby threw a book at me from her change table, and it landed squarely on my newly broken toe.

It's highly likely her next new word is going to start with an 'F'.

Friday, September 20, 2013

The Worst Parents in the World

It was a game of parental one-upmanship, the one where we try and outdo each other with how crazy the kids have been. Except we can play this game with the antics of just with one child: Number Three, Baldy.

My husband started: she threw the rice-bubbles everywhere. They were on the wall. I even found them in my shoes!

I followed with: she was climbing on the chairs at the dentist. She tried to climb up the vertical blinds.

Him: She ate food out of the bin.

Me: She insisted on having her teeth checked by the dentist like her sisters, but then she just stuck her tongue out.

Him: She belted the Mop in the face and was trying to ride the Bombshell like a horse.

Me: I found her sucking water out of a face-washer she had dipped in the toilet.

Him: She was sitting on the top of the toilet. Not the seat – the cistern!

We both looked over to the toilet, visualising the 18 month old sitting on top, merrily swinging her legs, smiling cunningly.

We must be such bad parents.
And to prove the point, I found Baldy 'cleaning' the toilet, and took the photo for posterity
before taking the toilet brush off her

Monday, September 16, 2013

Preaching to the Convoluted

I was loitering with intent.

I needed a key cut and was hanging around the key-cutting place at a nearby shopping centre, but the woman hadn’t noticed me yet. I was child-free but my head was pounding. I’d had way too much coffee and not enough water, and being woken at 5am by Baldy hadn’t helped.

Nor were the screaming kids at the little indoor playground right next to me.

Hang on, you may say. You have kids. You can’t complain about kids that scream.

Well, actually – I can.

My kids scream. A lot. Almost as much as I do.  However I like to do it in the privacy of my own home, or occasionally in the car on the way to school, where passing motorists can see by my purple face that I’m yelling but they don’t know what about.

These kids were screaming in the middle of a very public space. Not just happy-kids-yelling-and-laughing type screaming. Not even she-pushed-me-over-and-I’m-upset screaming. This was I’m-going-to-shriek-because-I-want-to-see-if-I-shatter-those-windows screaming.

The mums were sitting watching and having a nice chat. Maybe they were chatting, maybe they were lip-reading because their kids were quite loud, who knows.

Finally the key-cutting lady noticed me and she came to cut my key. She noticed me rubbing my temples.

‘They do that all day,’ she said. ‘Shrieking like that, and the mums never stop them. They don’t seem to care that we have to listen to that all day.’

Fair point. Those particular kids and their parents might be there for five or ten minutes and then move on. The people working in the shops nearby, like this lady in her pop-up shop less than three metres away have to listen to it all day.

And they’re trying to work.

She clearly hadn’t noticed my key-ring with a picture of my own three daughters at prime shrieking age. I don’t think she would have been so chatty if she knew I could well be one of the culprits.

Or maybe she had, because she had very clearly – and politely – made her point.

I had never stopped to think that people are trying to work in the shops next to this play area.

I will next time.
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