What Sex in the Movies Would be Like if They'd Had Kids

‘Are you nervous?’ Jack asked.

‘Au contraire, mon cher,’ Rose replied breathily. ‘But my back hurts squashed up in the back seat of this old car. Can’t we go upstairs and do it in bed?’

Jack stroked her face, trying to calculate how much foreplay was required before he could get to the fun part. Rose kissed his fingers, hoping that it wouldn’t be a long drawn out episode. She had a great book in her cabin she really wanted to get back to.

Jack started to unbutton Rose’s dress. ‘Can you turn the light off, please Jack?’ Rose asked, pretending to nibble on his ear.

‘Why?’ whined Jack. ‘You look gorgeous, I want to see you.’

‘I’m covered in stretch marks and still can’t drop the baby weight. It’s lights off or nothing.’

Jack rolled his eyes but reached up and turned the overhead light off. The car settled into a dim gloom. They resumed kissing.

‘Put your hands on me Jack,’ Rose demanded, trying to get things moving along.

‘Hang on a minute,’ Jack said, his voiced muffled. Rose heard a crinkling sound and Jack pulled a condom out of his pocket. Rose moved slightly under his weight as he fumbled with his pants.

‘There’s not much light in here,’ Jack commented, holding the condom up to the window to see which way it would unroll. Rose sighed and began thinking about what she would be ordering for dinner the next night, and that beautiful purse she saw in the window of the boutique upstairs. She needed to go and have a closer look.  

‘Rose? Rose?’

‘What? Oh… yes baby, put your hands on me. Ow!’

‘Sorry, there’s not a lot of room in the backseat. Can you help me with your corset?’

Frustrated, Rose pushed Jack off and removed her pantalets.

‘Look, that’ll have to do. We’re in the back seat of a car: it’s hardly romantic. Let’s just get this over with.’

Jack couldn’t believe his luck.

Suddenly Rose stiffened. ‘What was that?’ she asked. ‘Are the kids awake?’

Jack swivelled his head in the direction of the sound. ‘Not sure, should I go and check?’

Rose glanced at the clock display on the dashboard. It was getting late and she was tired. ‘No, let’s just do this.’

‘Wait,’ said Jack. He clambered off Rose and lent over the front seat to retrieve a box of tissues. He placed it within easy reach, before climbing back on.

‘Good idea,’ said Rose. They kissed and as Jack nibbled her neck, she thrust her hand against the back window, making a little moan she hoped sounded convincing.

‘And Jack,’ Rose warned, ‘I know your heart will go on forever, but tonight I hope nothing else goes on forever.’