Sunday, May 8, 2011

One Blue Line

Technically we weren't even trying, so it shouldn't be such a disappointment.

I always said I didn't want another January baby, so I should be relieved.

Those feelings of nausea, perhaps caused by inadequate breakfast.  Or a lack of sleep.

All those strange sensations inside were just a figment of my imagination.  Or last night's dinner.

Perhaps it's ironic that I found out on Mothers Day that I wasn't pregnant, though I had strongly suspected (and hoped?) that I was.  I would be lying to myself if I said I wasn't a little sad.

I thought I knew my body well, I thought I could read the signs.  However it turns out my body wants this just as much as I do, and is prepared to falsify evidence.

It seems to me that positive feelings, such as excitement, are usually caused by a positive and actual event.  The receipt of a gift, the witnessing of something joyful. Yet the negative feelings, such as disappointment are caused by the absence of these events. 

They are marked by a deficiency, an emptiness. Or a lonely, single blue line.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Shannon, it is like reading my own story! I SO know that feeling! Will say that after MANY months of phantom pregnancies and upon finally admitting defeat re the arrival of a third child, I fell(for want of a bettter word!) pregnant. No.3 is now 17months old. x Happy Mother's Day.


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