My Headline Disease

It's weird, but I often think in headlines.

Usually, it's the horribly depressing, family-of-eight-killed-in-random-bob-sledding accident type headline.  They almost always involve death. So when I do things that carry any sort of risk I have headlines bouncing around my brain like a neon Hollywood sign fused to the back of my retina.  It can actually be quite paralysing.

MOTHER OF THREE GOES BLIND AFTER SPENDING TWENTY HOURS STRAIGHT ON FACEBOOK

So you can imagine the headlines flashing through my mind after taking the three girls and my sister on a two hour drive on windy country roads after only three hours broken sleep. 

MOTHER OF THREE DRIVES OFF BRIDGE AFTER LISTENING TO 'ARE WE THERE YET' TEN THOUSAND TIMES

As a result, and much to my sisters consternation, I drove about thirty under the speed limit the entire way, adding an extra half an hour of 'she's touching me!' to the journey.

We were visiting my brother-in-law's family farm, a massive wheat and sheep farm with actual sheep and cows and other farming-type things like tractors of death, man-eating Koi and huge tanks of fuel.

TWO YEAR OLD EATEN ALIVE BY FAMILY PET COW

And being a total city girl, I forgot to mention to the kids about things like barbed wire.

FIVE YEAR OLD DIES OF TETANUS AFTER SLASHING HAND OPEN ON BARBED WIRE WHILE USELESS MOTHER STANDS BY AND TAKES PICTURES OF SHEEP

I did mention to them about the massive piles of poo, though.

TWO YEAR OLD DROWNS IN MOUND OF COW POO AFTER INVESTIGATING MOTHER'S CLAIM THAT THE POO WAS BIGGER THAN SHE WAS

Then my brother-in-law suggested we let the kids ride in the back of the ute so we could travel up to the top paddock to feed the cows.

Guess which kid has a city-slicker mum, and which kid has a farm-raised dad

So with me clutching the baby in the front seat (no baby seat, no seatbelt), shrieking through the window at the kids to 'Hold on! Both hands', the kids rolling around in the back, (with my sister supervising) my hyper headline syndrome was in overdrive and I was close to passing out.

RAMPAGING COW STORMS UTE FULL OF CITY-KIDS WHO WANT TO KNOW WHY THE ELEPHANT HAS LOST ITS TRUNK

Just when I though it couldn't get any worse, I glanced over to see this. Yep, that's the Curly Mop climbing on the massive metal stakes on front of the tractor which the Bombshell was driving. Yes, I still took the picture (and yes, the tractor wasn't actually on at the time), but in the back of my head the headlines were already forming...

WIFE MUST EXPLAIN TO HUSBAND WHY FIVE YEAR IMPALED TWO YEAR OLD WITH TRACTOR

I don't think I am cut out for the country life, and have never been so glad to get home where the headlines involve less man-eating animals and giant piles of manure.

FEARFUL MOTHER SMOTHERS TO DEATH AFTER WRAPPING SELF IN COTTON-WOOL